I'm not playing anymore what ifs or regret games with myself. This is the least amount of pain I will allow myself to have. I've learned from the past, and I will not devolve into a sobbing mess. This relationship, with all of its faults, was pure and real and beautiful. It's a work of art, I refuse to destroy its memories because of my insecurities, pride and self-hate. I chose this path, be a man and take all the pain. It's what I signed up for.
One thing I'll never do again in this lifetime is engage in another long distance relationship. Once is enough. Especially if it's an extended one. It's partly my fault. I wanted to make her happy, so I allowed a relationship that would end in ruin. I almost thought it would work.
So if you're thinking about starting one. Think. And think hard. Here are some reasons why:
1. Know how long you're in for.
Most long distance relationships think that their current feelings for each other will last for a thousand years. Feelings change in moments or in years. I'm just lucky that my partner's feelings for me were strong. It's not until very recently that her feelings started to change. The relationship gets harder with time and distance. In my case, I had both. I don't know how long we've held onto it. Yet if I knew when the LDR would end, I have a goal and I would work towards it. Not prolong it and one day, you're three years into it and nothing is moving forward.
2. Be honest about the end goals of the relationship.
What did you expect from the relationship? Marriage? Casual? Companionship? Get it clear what you want from the beginning. If your partner doesn't want the same things that you want, don't force it. And don't use the long distance relationship to sweep it under the rug. Honestly, I just wanted to be with her. However, other people got involved and it got complicated. And she didn't want those things. Which leads me to...
3) Know how you'll end the long distance status.
What's keeping you? Your job? Kids? Marriage? Loyalty? How will you finally end the cycle? Unless really stuck in the situation, have an exit strategy. Know it from the beginning. For it was to gain my citizenship and then hopefully have enough money to bring her over here. Since she doesn't want marriage, my plan was to have her study here and then declare common law partnership and we can both live happily ever after. Then financial problems started. So it turned into marriage. She didn't want marriage, I didn't mind it. She compromised but couldn't really follow through. So our exit strategy became a little tragic.
4) Be honest about your happiness level.
Our long distance relationship lasted three years and four months. Out of those years, I enjoyed roughly about four months. Most of those were spent with her, and the fourth month was last August. So I spent three years miserable. We never really talked about this. We talked about the future and the plans and the longing. But we never talked about the present. I can only imagine how miserable she was. And I was pretty goddamned miserable.
5) Out of sight. Out of mind.
The beauty of modern social networking and chat is that you can really keep the LDR going as long as you can. Back then letters and long distance calls were too tedious or expensive. Now you can just magic jack them or skype or whatever. Message them, facebook them and everything. However the irony is that you also know what they're doing behind your back. Envy and jealousy and the sneaky suspicion gene shows up. I've been guilty about this a lot of times. So. Out of sight, out of mind. And if you hear something from someone, as Gin Blossoms said, "Everything is cool until I hear it from you." Sounds like a delusion but take it from me, it's one delusion you can keep.
6) Quit when you're ahead.
If you find an opportunity to end it. Do it. Whether it be good or bad. Hopefully it's good, like you get a better job or you win the lottery (not gonna happen). When it's bad, let's say, she's getting tired of the relationship... if you two are single and have no obligations to each other (kids, mortgage, marriage, etc), quit. Break it up. Cut your losses and move on. It will get bitter and toxic and you'll do a lot of stupid things. Take it from me, don't try to save a failing relationship if the issue is ?distance. If you can cut your losses and become something better, take that chance. Maybe, someday you'll get back together. Leave some love and romance left yet for the future. Don't let it rot. If you really can't, see number 9.
7) One will compromise more than the other and there's nothing you can do about it.
It's painful for both parties. Believe me. It already happens in actual relationships, it's magnified in long distance. It's extra hard and extra painful. One will always be the receiving end. And other will keep giving. The key is for neither one to be bitter or guilty. Those emotions carry greater weight than it seems. Plus that rule about magnifying and stacking difficulties. Yes. You're playing a date sim on Nightmare mode and the stakes are real.
8) Don't mortgage your future.
Kind of a corollary of most of my reasons. But it's a serious matter. If you find yourself giving up your dreams for the relationship or waiting for hours in front of the computer for your partner to show up, you have a fucking problem. Somehow, you're afraid of temptation probably (see #5) or hurting your partner or anything. If your job involves networking, then by all means network! Don't let your future take over your present. You need to work on your present to get to the future. Planning and dreaming and promises are great and all, but if you don't do anything now than stay on your IM or facebook, there's not gonna be much future. Go out. Have fun. You need it. We certainly did. And don't give up on your dreams, most miserable relationships start with that compromise.
9) Let it be the last resort to save the relationship.
When we started it, we wanted to save the relationship. The buzz was strong and we loved each other too much. However, it wasn't the absolute last resort. We could've just cooled off. We could've found other ways to make it work. Yet we settled for the long distance thing. Nobody really thought about it. Yet, let's face it. Who does rational things when the feelings and passion is strong? All we could think about is being together. And this is what fucks things up. You start to make permanent decisions for temporary choices. Before you do it. Think. Yet I think this rule applies more to long term invested relationships that require decisions like this to save not only their relationship, but their lives as well. I'm just saying that to those who are so caught up by the whirlwind love affair.
10) Enjoy every fucking moment.
You just have to. You guys got into this. Nobody else asked you to be in it. You made the final decision. So you deal with the consequences. However, take a step back and enjoy the moment. Enjoy the fact that this too will pass, that it is temporary. Share laughter, share sadness, share your pain. Be honest. Share it all. Share your fears. Share your love. Share the truth. Share your sins. It's healthy. Then step back and enjoy it. And if it doesn't work, cut your losses and move on if you can. If you can't, everything's temporary anyway. You just have to make the final choice. It sucks, but if you think it's worth it. It's worth it.
Long Distance Relationships should come with a warning:
Don't try this at home, kids. It's very dangerous.
Source: http://nacchisento.livejournal.com/278882.html
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